i can't even start to count how many aimless strolls i've taken in my life. perhaps the purpose of them is just to get away. some just for the purpose of the simple beauty of fall. others to think, think about life, think about values and the future, the past. I just took a walk to remember, and I need to put the unorganized thoughts that geared through my head into writing. today I woke up happy. even after I spilled juice... WARNING: there will be many many thoughts here...

i'm being comforted by the small sips of hot chocolate that I just bought. but all it is, is false comfort. the only comfort anyone can give themselves, is in their thoughts. your thoughts are all you have. they're your own, you have a right to be stubborn and you have a right to change it...

even the person most sure of who they are have digressions. I have just experienced one. "no matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better" my mom taught me that a long long time ago. and I never thought much of it then. people always put me in the position to feel like I am the best. you know? "thao, you're so this, you're so that" it may have helped my ego, but it's given misconceptions. I just cried for a little. sometimes you just need to let things go, you know? no matter how hard you try to keep the emotion inside, it has to escape sometimes.

i know this will seem egotistical and arrogant... but I have always been that person who people praised for anything. this was mainly true when I just lived life. I didn't really "live" it. I actually never paid any attention to it. I was just doing what I do. and then life changes.

and it will always change. sometimes you don't realize what your worth is until you get put into a compromising situation where all your priorities change. controlled or uncontrolled, it doesn't matter. the same things I use to know and embrace through life have changed. now I struggle to get put on the same level. I know this is confusing, but bear with me. for example: in elementary school, let's say you were the school spelling bee winner. best of all of them. or the best dodgeball player. a few years later, you're living your life normally, you've adapted to new environments aplenty. but that spelling bee cup or trophy for best dodgeball player makes no difference. It doesn't matter anymore. you're not that great anymore and in the scheme of things, those things seemed like spilt juice in life. no matter what happens, you'll get throught it. don't give up too easily. life is worth fighting for. we are worth everything good that happens to us. the people we meet, the grades we make, the life we accomplish. and even after the dodgeball trophy is sold in your yard sale... It's being used to make another happy. what we do has purposes... you may not be the star dodgeball player of the world, but you got your moment in life... you're better at other things now.

i came to the path by the willow tree on campus and strolled along it after the first tear was shed. and it was different. this was the first day stroll I have taken. and I noticed the colors on the leaves, the freshness of the cool air, the many divergences of the path. like life... you come to paths. this path for me comes in the same form every time in my dreams. It is a wooded, fall seasoned, rocky path. the leaves are mainly red and the paths all look the same. It makes indesicion much easier to come across. my instincts are so often correct many times that I just go with my gut. but it's a lot easier in the dark. in the dark, you can't pay too close of attention to what they look like. you just feel. the look of the paths during the days makes me rethink my choices. even if they all carry the same characteristics... one has a bench, one crosses by my willow, one ends so soon, the other goes all the way through the grassy area. my point is, when I can't see my decision, it's a lot easier to make it. there aren't so many factors and variables involved. to grow I need to be able to choose my paths during the daylight... when I can still feel which way I need to go without worrying about the way it appears or looks.

when the road diverges, it is a simple decision. one way, straight, or the other? metaphorically speaking, this is a cliche. (k, so I like to get a little overdramtic, just deal) but I wake up everyday thinking "woohoo, life!" but WHY? WHY in the world do things digressively push, kick, and punch me down? my OWN doings. some things are uncontrolled, but many things have to do with the paths we as individuals have chosen. my decisions, I am paying for. even if I can't control what is happening, the way I look at things after it is in MY hands. i'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I will complain, because that's what I do sometimes lol. after a failure, you just need to readjust something to turn it only into a mistake. a mistake is acceptable. there's no need to fail yourself at anything. our paths are indeed our paths. you can cry walking along them, through them, you can moan about them, you can fakely smile or hurt others. the combinations and options are so infinite. but it is yours. whether you suffer now is your own. what you give is definitely what you get... Think highly of yourself, for the world takes you at your own estimate. that's right. whatever you do, or think of yourself, is what you are in the eyes of everyone else. damn, this is good hot chocolate.

that's just one thought i've had today. here's another... I stare off into space so much. sometimes I stare at people because some things that people do just fascinate me. or just sicken me lol. or I see beautiful strangers I cannot take my eyes off of. this is the thing: have you ever wondered who's looking at you? so many times we stare. not because people are generally rude, even if it is true, but we just do. and the thoughts that accompany theses stares cary accordingly. "he's gorgeous" "she's got no idea what she's doing" "what is he wearing??" "eww don't pick your nose" "what a dork!"

who looks at you and thinks those things? who catches you in your moments of vulnerability or moments of glow? I swear if I saw me I would think I was really weird lol. my expressions and the things I talk about and think about seem so out of the world sometimes. oh well! I don't mind it at all. i'm always in good company. but what do they think. I bet some people have thought racial things and ideas of ignorance... people I want to change their minds. others probably liked me, others probably just acknowledged that I was there and that was it. whatever it is, it still makes me curious. who catched me wedgie picking or singing to myself. I don't know, it's just a weird thought.

now here's another thought. I AM SO FULL OF EM TODAY! but ok. this came to mind after I saw someone I met recently, as I was walking to my engineering lecture. we all have "groups" of friends we hang out with. but then sometimes, the opportunity comes when you meet someone new to hang out with. It's real easy in college, so I suggest you do it... but anyways. how many times before did your path cross with this person? i've adressed something like this before. but this is just a little different. I often walk to and from my classes using the same directions. my weeks become somewhat redonedant. so sometimes I change it around, and as I walk i see people I see EVERYWHERE! some people I just notcie wherever I go. is there a specific reason I take notice of these people? why on that day at that time, did I see that person? why is my path grasing along theirs? it's just weird.

now here's another weird thing. this person I saw, I just met, k? now think about this, if you have ever done the same, did you ever wonder how many times you could have possibly ran into them before had you known them before? I take this stroll to my lecture once a week every week. how many times could I have passed by him before? it's so weird to think that I could have walked right past someone I will later meet...

life was so much easier and simple when all you had to worry about was spilt juice... but i'm just going to keep singing...